Although every marriage is different, typical marital spats are usually resolved in a matter of hours or days. In the case of abuse, the fights can extend for weeks, months, or even years. The abuser will often emotionally torture the victim by never really getting over a fight, and holding it over their head. [1] X Research source For example, your partner might stay silent for days or weeks after an argument which leads to you feeling guilty and apologizing even though you were not wrong. This manipulation tactic of the “silent treatment” may be applied after every argument to keep you in line.
Do you often feel like your spouse has to have the last word? For example, do you suggest you take a break in order to cool off but they refuse and continue to argue? This is a power trip associated with wanting to win or be in control. Reflect on past arguments that you have had and who ended up admitting they were at fault or apologizing. If it is always you, then this is a red flag.
Having different personalities in private and public settings is an abuser’s way of showing dominance over you. When you’re out and see this glorified version of your spouse, you let your guard down. When you’re alone and the abusive personality comes out, you’re reminded quickly who has the upper hand in the relationship. Keeping you on your toes at all times is often part of an abuser’s game. [3] X Research source For example, your spouse dotes on you in front of your parents calling you “sweetheart” and “baby,” but, at home, they call you ugly names like “idiot. "
Fighting over bills or the sharing of household chores are all typical marital fights. When the arguments go beyond this and are caused by your spouse’s attempt to control what you wear, who you go out with, who you talk to, how much money you spend, and so on, it could be a sign of emotional abuse. [4] X Research source You might also consider if you are spending an inappropriate amount of time on your interests. If so, then this might be a valid concern for your partner.
For example, if you tell your spouse you’re going away with your siblings for the weekend and your spouse doesn’t want you to, they may say something like, “If you do, your pet may not be here when you get back. ” They may also make threats against their own lives, as well. A healthy relationship does not involve any sort of physical violence or fear. If yours does, it’s probably a good sign that abuse is taking place. [5] X Research source
Ask your friends and family if your spouse contacts them regularly to see what you’re doing. Even talk to your fellow employees about if they’ve seen or heard from your spouse. This constant monitoring is all about having control of you, which is a sign that abuse could be taking place. [6] X Research source Consider how quickly your spouse’s attempts to check in on you escalate. For example, do they wait a while and call or text back later if they don’t hear from you right away, or do they start repeatedly calling or sending you a barrage of text messages? If they tend to bombard you and become increasingly angry when you don’t reply, then this is also a cause for concern.
Victims often feel like their spirit has been broken. They usually become fearful, anxious, and attempt to stay on “good behavior” so as not to elicit an argument. If you find yourself acting in any of these ways, chances are, you are the victim of abuse. [7] X Research source Another sign of a dwindling self-esteem is feeling worthless without your spouse’s approval. You may beat yourself up when they disapprove, but be on cloud nine when they applaud you. You might also feel like no one else will ever love you, which makes you more likely to stay in an abusive relationship. Reflect on the thoughts that you have about yourself, or things that you say out loud about yourself to others. If you often think or say self-loathing things, then this is a cause for concern.
When your spouse becomes irritated, do you automatically assume it is something you did? Do you take the blame for things just to avoid a huge blowup, even though you know you had nothing to do with them? If these sound like behaviors you exhibit, you could be the victim of abuse. [9] X Research source You might feel anxious or guilty regularly, making your spouse’s mood your top priority. You might feel like you walk around on eggshells trying to please them.
For example, do you feel miserable more days than not or have trouble recalling any positive interactions with your spouse? This can be a sign of unhappiness. Try keeping a journal for a while to determine if you are having good or happy days.
