“When your mom dropped you at school she got arrested for littering “I wish I could diss you, but nature already did. " “Halloween is over now, you can take your mask off” “You look like the before picture. " “Did you trade in your neck for another chin?” “Was anyone else hurt in the accident that did this to you?” “I’ve seen someone that looked just like you before, but I had to pay admission. " “I could use your shadow as an umbrella. "
“We already think you’re an idiot. You can stop trying to prove it. " “It’s kind of sad watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary in one sentence. " “It must be such a long and lonely journey when a thought crosses your mind. " “Surprise me. Say something smart. " “I’ve heard my dog fart smarter things. " “When I stand close to you, I can hear the ocean. " “You’re thick as dog crap and only half as useful. "
“You’re so poor the food stamps bounce. " “Do you hang all that toilet paper out of your house to dry it before you use it again?” “Last time you smelled a hot meal was when I farted. " “You drop those clothes back off at the morgue when you’re done with them?” “You’re so poor you can’t afford to pay attention. "
If someone tells you that you’re ugly: “Hey, at least a little makeup can fix this. Although, I don’t think I can say the same for you. Nothing can fix that attitude!” “Maybe if you eat your makeup, you could be pretty on the inside. "
If the person teasing you is always dressed really well, or seems to be proud of their Nike sneakers, remember what kinds of clothes they usually wear and prepare insults related to their clothing. If the person is a very good student or a very bad student, insulting their grades or their smarts can be a good way to get to them. Sports are often important in school. If you’re being dissed by an athlete, consider calling them out on their granny-like basketball dribble or their missed shots.
Focus on a funny feature, like the person’s nose or their ear to distract yourself while they’re talking. If they’ve got a pimple, stare at it hard. It might even make you laugh.
If you’re going with the clothes tactic, wait until they’re wearing some stylish new duds and tell them that you like their new shirt, before saying: “The guy who picks up garbage outside my house wears the same thing. " Wait until gym class to insult their athletic skills. If they trip or fall down, start pointing and laughing and get your friends to join in. If you’re going to insult their smarts, wait until they have to read out loud in class. If you’re next, imitate their reading style before switching over to your normal voice and say, “Oh, I forgot. I’m not an idiot. " If they get a question wrong in math, mutter something like “Einstein speaks” that only they can hear. Doing this in front of others will make sure they’re embarrassed.
Take the person aside after class really seriously and say something really sincerely like “I didn’t want to say this in front of everyone, but your pants smell like a grease trap. I almost puked all through that period. Maybe you should call your mom and ask for new ones. " Make it as specific as possible. Act like you’re doing them a favor. Tell them you overheard the coach talking about how your football throw reminds him of a fourth grader and ask sincerely if practice is going okay. Tell them you’ll help them with math homework for fifty bucks an hour, if their parents can afford to pay you.
